Gratitude Without the Cringe
What actually works
Gratitude has a branding problem.
Somewhere between the daily journaling rituals, the toxic positivity of the “good vibes only” Instagram posts, and being told to count your blessings when you’re drowning… it became insufferable.
For those in the US, this week brings the annual peak gratitude season.
But whether or not you’re carving turkey, it’s worth asking: does any of this actually work? And if it does, how can it not be annoying?
I used to do daily gratitude journaling. At first? It worked!
It definitely shifted my focus, lifted my mood, gave me a moment of pause.
But then it became another box to tick. I’d sit there writing the same things every single morning on autopilot: grateful for my husband, grateful my body can move, grateful for coffee.
Generic. Meaningless. The ‘ritual’ was there but the attention wasn’t.
Sound familiar?
Now I only journal when my thoughts need untangling or my chest feels tight. Not as daily discipline. More as a tool for when I feel it might actually be useful.
Turns out, I’m not alone. The research explains why traditional gratitude practices fade. And what non-cringe ways work instead.
Why the usual approach backfires
The problem isn’t gratitude. It’s the packaging.
Daily journaling loses its power fast. It becomes routine, we write the same things, stop paying attention.
The practice becomes totally meaningless.
We’re also fighting our own wiring.
Our brains adapt to good things and stop noticing them (it’s called hedonic adaptation, and it’s annoyingly effective).
That’s why “grateful for my health, my family, my home” feels empty after 2 weeks.
Then there’s the guilt spiral. When you’re drowning, being told to “focus on what you’re grateful for” kinda feels like a slap.
You end up feeling bad about not feeling grateful, which helps absolutely no one.
So if traditional gratitude practices haven’t worked for you, you’re not doing it wrong!
You’re just doing the version that doesn’t actually work.
3 ways to do gratitude that don’t suck
1. Less is more
Researcher Sonja Lyubomirsky found that people who practised gratitude weekly showed greater increases in wellbeing than those who did it daily.
Frequency isn’t the goal. Attention is.
Specificity beats quantity too.
One deeply noticed moment is more powerful than a generic list of five things.
For example, “I’m grateful for the way my colleague stepped up and covered for me, without being asked, when I was feeling super overwhelmed last Tuesday” lands differently than “grateful for good coworkers.”
If journaling feels like a chore, maybe try to do it less but mean it more.
2. Subtract, don’t add
This one’s interesting. Mentally subtracting something from your life is more effective at sparking genuine gratitude than simply listing what you have.
It’s called the “George Bailey effect” (after the 1946 movie It’s a Wonderful Life).
Instead of writing “I’m grateful for my partner,” imagine your life without them.
What would be missing? What would feel different?
This works because it cuts through that hedonic adaptation problem. We stop taking things for granted when we’re forced to confront their absence, even hypothetically.
Subtraction-first gratitude. No journal required :)
3. Express, don’t just list
Gratitude is a social emotion. Research found that gratitude letters and conversations have stronger effects on wellbeing than private journaling.
It doesn’t need to be this grand undertaking. I love the idea of beautiful handwritten letter with a fountain pen, but who has time for this (”in this economy?!”)
Well good news, a thank-you text counts.
Or something as simple as: “Hey, what you said yesterday really helped. It made me feel less overwhelmed”.
Telling someone exactly what they did and why it mattered creates connection.
That’s where gratitude actually lives.
Writing things privately is fine. But if you want the deeper benefit, let it out of your notebook.
The takeaway
Gratitude isn’t about adding to your already-full plate or performing positivity you don’t feel.
It’s about attention. Noticing what’s there before it’s gone.
If traditional gratitude journaling never worked for you, you’re not the problem. The packaging was.
One thing to try this week: Pick one person or one thing. Instead of writing “I’m grateful for X,” spend 30 seconds imagining your life without them. Notice what shifts. If something lands, tell them.
No journal needed. No performance required. Just attention.
With love,
Noemie x
P.S: A very happy Thanksgiving to you if you celebrate!
P.P.S: And since we’re on the topic... genuinely, THANK YOU. For being here. For reading. For hitting reply and telling me what landed. 500+ of you across 56 countries. That’s wild to me.
I really like the simplicity and openness of your writing. It hits in all the right places. Even here, the three takeaways are so easy to act on (1) less is more, (2) subtract, don’t add, and (3) express, don’t list. And I learned something new with the George Bailey effect. I’d heard of hedonic adaptation before, but not this.
I started on Substack earlier this November, and one of the things that still stands out to me is an early podcast of yours where you talked about self-imposed standards. I loved your take on showing up anyway, and the stories you shared about choosing to record your podcast even when it would have been easier to delay.
Wishing you and your loved ones a very happy Thanksgiving, and thank you for the gift of your words and the motivation you’ve shared. They’ve meant more than you know.
The wellness industry is typically overbearing and guilt provoking! I believe gratitude is more about cultivating an orientation to living with gratefulness. Brother Steindl-Rast's teachings are inspiring in this regard. He's his own evidence... he's 99. https://grateful.org/practice/
Finding your own ways and rituals is what matters. Practice matters, no matter your personal approach. Then it becomes second nature!