How to Make Friends as Grown-Ups?
Your friendship playbook
“In the age of AI, human connections will matter more than ever”.
You’ve probably read that line 100 times this year alone, and I couldn’t agree more with the statement.
Most of our waking hours are spent bouncing from small screen to medium screen to big screen and back again.
And when we’re not glued to a device, we’re usually too knackered to connect in real life.
If you’ve ever felt that strange ache of being digitally connected but physically lonely, you’re not alone.
Globally, about 1 in 6 people say they feel lonely, and for many, it’s a daily reality (WHO).
We’re living through a friendship recession. It’s not just a feeling. It’s a global public health crisis.
These numbers are staggering.
The 3 headwinds of modern friendship
We’ve lost our “third places”.
These were the bars, cafés, record stores or clubs where you could just bump into people.
I still remember Dublin nightclubs in the early 2000s. You went out with friends, knew you would see familiar faces, and always ended up meeting new people.
For others it might have been a favourite café or community hangout. These places were not about appointments or agendas, they were about showing up and letting connection serendipuously happen.
These days, we mostly live in the work-home-errands triangle.
Even small daily touchpoints are vanishing. You order your coffee from a machine, you do self-checkout at the grocery store.
If you work from home like me, you could easily go a full day without speaking to another human being.
On top of that, we live in a culture poisoned by productivity.
Friendship, which requires inefficiency and just hanging out, feels like a luxury we no longer allow ourselves.
And let’s be honest: we are terrified of looking too “thirsty”.
Asking someone to hang out feels as vulnerable as asking them on a date. So we wait, and nothing happens.
No wonder it feels so f*cking hard.
Your friendship playbook
So the system is stacked against us. What now?
If you want a thriving social life, or at minimum a “good enough” one, you need simple, sneaky moves that bypass the awkwardness.
1. Build your pockets of community (online and off)
You cannot wait for a third place to appear, you have to create or find one.
Take my gym, for example. I did not join to make friends. But after two years of showing up at 10am most mornings, nods turned into chats.
Consistency does the heavy lifting (no pun intended).
And in 2025, third places are not just physical. Some of my most enriching connections are in online groups, like my coaching community, my mental health group, and my DJ crew. And more recently here on Substack!
The key is to stop lurking and start participating.
2. Master the low-stakes invite
Turning an acquaintance into a friend requires one thing: taking initiative.
The secret is a specific, casual, super low-pressure invite that gives the other person an easy out.
Stop saying: “We should hang out sometime!” (it will never happen).
Start saying: “Hey, I am heading to [that new place] for coffee on Saturday at 10. Feel free to swing by if you are around.”
See the difference? You are going anyway. If they say no, it is not rejection, it’s just logistics!
3. Nurture the OGs with ‘low pressure love’
Let’s be honest: the constant stream of messages can be exhausting, turning connection into another chore.
Add to that the scheduling marathon (if you are like me, it can take 2 weeks of planning just to find a time to meet.... 2 months from now).
The solution is to give yourself and your friends the gift of low pressure love.
I like to think of my friends’ messages as postcards.
They arrive, they bring me joy, but there shouldn’t be an expectation for an immediate reply.
My closest friends are in France and Ireland. We live on WhatsApp and Instagram, but we do not live in a constant conversation.
It’s a burst of voice notes, a silly meme, a song that reminds us of each other.
It is the simple, low-pressure thread of connection that reminds you they are there, no matter the distance.
Your experiment this week
Pick ONE person you would like to know better, someone from the gym, an online group, or a neighbour. Send them one low-stakes invite.
That is it.
YOUR TEMPLATE:
“Hey, I am planning to [do X activity] at [Y place/time]. Would love for you to join if you are free!”
Here’s what that actually looks like in real life:
“Hey Sarah! I’m grabbing brunch at that new place on Main Street this Sunday around 11am. No pressure at all, but if you’re free and fancy it, would love for you to swing by!”
Or maybe:
“Hey Bob, I’m doing a coffee run to Wild Honey tomorrow at 3pm. Totally last minute, but if you’re around and need a break, come join!”
See? You’re not asking them to commit to a whole friendship. You’re just saying: I’m doing this thing anyway, and there’s space for you if you want it.
The goal is not for them to say yes. The goal is to prove to yourself that it is not as scary as it feels.
You are not asking for a lifelong commitment, you are just opening a door.
With love,
Noemie x
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