What’s the first thing you’d do if an earthquake started while you were on a video call?
Apparently, I’d keep smiling.
Here’s how I know: a few weeks ago, I was in Santiago de Chile on a group call with the fabulous Chenell Basilio and Dylan Redekop from Growth In Reverse (if you’re building a newsletter, check them out, they’re brilliant!)
I’d just asked a question, so I was unmuted with my camera on while Chenell was answering my question. Then the ground started shaking.
We’d felt a few small tremors travelling through Peru and Chile (turns out seismic activity is pretty common in the Andes), but this one was strong enough to make me think WTF is happening?!
But did I say anything? Did I change my expression?
Nope.
Instead, like a fucking weirdo, I kept my crispée rictus smile on, and all I could hear was “everything’s fine” rather than the answer to my question.
I actually blame samba.
When I learnt it for fun a few years ago, the cardinal rule was to keep your samba smile on, however tired you were.
And trust me, samba is CARDIO!! Keeping that smile on is a workout in itself.
So apparently my brain decided the rule also applied to seismic activity.
I was the This Is Fine dog, calmly sipping coffee in a burning room.
With better Wi-Fi.
Pretending everything is fine is surprisingly hard work
An earthquake is an extreme example obviously. But I’ve pulled the samba smile PLENTY of other times.
Saying everything was great when it absolutely wasn’t. The automatic “I’m fine!” when someone asks how I’m doing (samba smile included, obvs).
Sometimes that’s politeness, or not being ready to talk. Nothing wrong with that.
Here’s the weird bit though. We talk about mental health more than ever. In general.
Just not ours, and definitely not before 10am on a Monday.
But hiding how you feel all the time comes at a cost.
In a series of experiments published in 2000, psychologists Jane Richards and James Gross found that people told to hide their emotional reactions remembered less of what they’d just watched than people who weren’t hiding anything.
Translation: keeping a straight face is really hard work for your brain.
Which probably explains why I didn’t hear a single word of Chenell’s answer.
My brain was too busy managing my face. Through an ACTUAL earthquake.
Admitting things are shit doesn’t mean giving up
I’ve always been fiercely attached to the idea that we’re the authors of our own stories.
I literally named my newsletter and coaching business Unwritten because I believe we hold the pen.
And I really, REALLY don’t ever want to see myself as a victim of my circumstances (this mindset probably cost me extra money in therapy).
But I’ve sometimes taken that too far. As though admitting something was wrong meant giving up control over fixing it.
At one of the lowest points of my life, I finally admitted to my best friend that things weren’t fine.
In fact, everything was shit.
And honestly? The relief of saying it out loud was ENORMOUS.
I still remember the exact moment all the pressure I was holding just dropped off my shoulders.
Nothing magically changed. But for once, I wasn’t trying to convince myself that everything was okay.
And that’s actually good for you. People who accept their difficult feelings tend to have better mental health.
The feelings, not the situation causing them.
Accepting that you’re angry doesn’t mean accepting what made you angry.
Admitting you’re unhappy doesn’t mean you’ve decided to stay unhappy.
You can hold the pen AND admit that the current chapter is a bit shit.
⚡️ Try this: drop the samba smile
2 minutes, your notes app, total honesty.
Pick 1 thing you’ve been smiling through this week. Work, a plan, a person, or just your own head.
Finish this sentence in 1 precise word: “Right now I actually feel ___.” “Fine” doesn’t count (nice try).
Ask yourself: what is this feeling telling me? Then pick 1 thing you’ll do about it this week, even if it’s just telling someone the truth. Write it down, with a day.
Sometimes naming the feeling is enough. Sometimes it tells you something needs to change. Either way, you still hold the pen.
You don’t have to turn every difficult feeling into another personal development project.
And you certainly don’t have to smile your way through everything.
On Friday’s podcast, I go further into why waiting to feel better keeps you stuck.
I’d love to know: when was the last time you caught yourself pretending everything was fine? Hit reply or leave a comment, I read every one.
I still loooove samba by the way!
But next time the earth moves, the smile gets the night off.
With love,
Noemie x
When was the last time you caught yourself pretending everything was fine?
Key Sources
Brett Q Ford and others, ‘The Psychological Health Benefits of Accepting Negative Emotions and Thoughts: Laboratory, Diary, and Longitudinal Evidence’ (2018) 115(6) Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 1075.
Jane M Richards and James J Gross, ‘Emotion Regulation and Memory: The Cognitive Costs of Keeping One’s Cool’ (2000) 79(3) Journal of Personality and Social Psychology 410.
Noemie Mooney is an ACE Certified Health Coach, ICF-trained Behaviour Change Specialist, certified yoga instructor, and creator of the MAKE SPACE Method™. Trained in design thinking at the Stanford d.school, she writes Unwritten Potential, a newsletter about evidence-based wellbeing, sustainable habits, mental wellbeing, and health behaviour change for smart, health-curious people who want to feel their best without making it a full-time job.