You’re Not Bad at Goals. Your Goals Are Bad.

Three questions to ask before you set another one

You know that moment in mid-January when you quietly stop mentioning the goal?

You don’t announce you’ve given up. You just... stop talking about it. Hope no one notices. Move on.

Maybe it was the gym membership you’ve used twice. Maybe the meditation app you stopped opening. Maybe the meal prep containers still in their box. Maybe the fancy 2026 journal with 3 entries in it.

And somewhere in the back of your head, your nasty little inner narrator: I’m just not disciplined enough.

I know this moment well because I lived it for years.

Big January goal → strong start → life inevitably happens → quietly abandoned by February → vague guilt until next January. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I unsubscribed from that cycle a few years ago.

Not because I figured out some secret to discipline but because I finally realised the problem was never my own willpower. It was how I was setting the goals in the first place.

No one taught us how to set goals properly. We learned to pass tests, hit deadlines, meet targets someone else set. But when it comes to setting personal goals? We were left to figure that out on our own. Most of us never did.

Most goals fail before you even start because the goal itself was set up to fail.

Here are three questions to stress-test yours.

Question 1: Is this even your goal?

Before anything else, one thing really worth sitting with.

Are you pursuing this because you actually want it? Or because you feel like you should? Because Instagram made it look cool? Because someone in your life expects it of you?

There’s a term for this, self-concordance, and the idea is simple: goals that align with your actual values stick. Goals you’re doing to please someone else turn into a constant internal conflict.

Basically, if the goal isn’t actually yours, no amount of clever reframing will make it feel right.

Question 2: Are you running away or towards?

Take “get healthier.”

What does that even mean? Like, seriously?

Move more? Eat better? Sleep eight hours? Stop inhaling biscuits at 10pm because you’re stressed after a rough day?

That’s not a goal. It’s a vibe.

Or “stop procrastinating.” Your brain doesn’t know what to do with “stop.” It just knows something is wrong and you should feel bad about it.

Psychologists call these avoidance goals. They’re about running away from something. And research shows they’re associated with lower wellbeing and worse follow-through.

Which makes sense, right?

‘Away from here’ isn't a destination. You just keep moving, endlessly, without ever arriving anywhere.

So what’s the fix? Flip it.

The opposite of avoidance goals are called approach goals. Instead of moving away from something bad, you’re moving towards something good.

“I want to feel strong and energised most days” is not the same as “I need to stop feeling so exhausted all the time.”

Same idea. Totally different energy.

One gives you somewhere to go.

The other just reminds you how shit you feel right here right now.

Question 3: Is it a finish line or a way of living?

Setting a goal that’s basically a one-time achievement, when what you actually want is a way of living.

For example, ‘lose 5kg’ is a finish line. You cross it and then... what? Start gaining it back? Celebrate with cake and immediately undo the whole thing?

What most people actually want isn’t a number on a scale. It’s to feel good in their body. To feel strong. To keep showing up physically, even when life gets busy or messy or unpredictable.

'Lose 5kg' is an outcome goal. You hit it once and it's done.

'Stay active in a way that fits my life' is a process goal. It's about what you keep doing, not what you achieve once.

And process goals automatically shift your attention to the stuff you can actually control: the actions, the routines, the systems.

Not the outcome you’re trying to force into existence.

What I’m doing with this

So what does this look like for me?

Professionally: I’m launching my first live coaching programme this year.

While living out of a suitcase. In a new country every few weeks. 🙃

Is it my goal? Yes. Not because it looks good or because I “should” be launching something but because I genuinely want to help people.

Am I moving towards something? Yes. Not away from corporate life (I did that 2 years ago) but towards building something I actually believe in.

Is it a finish line or a way of living? Bit of both, honestly. The launch is obviously a finish line. But doing this work? That’s a process goal. I want it to be good, really good, not just done.

Personally: This is a maintenance year for me.

Which sounds unsexy, I know.

But after years of building habits that made me feel strong and steady, my goal isn’t to add more.

It’s to protect what I built. Stay fit and strong when the gym situation changes weekly. Stay nourished without a kitchen. Stay mentally well when everything is new.

I’m six weeks in. More relaxed than I’ve been in a long time. Loving this time with my husband.

But maintenance takes intention too. That’s the work.

If you want to try this

Grab a pen, a phone, the back of a receipt. It doesn’t need to be pretty.

1. Is this actually your goal?

Not your mum’s. Not Instagram’s. Not who you think you should be. Yours.

2. Are you moving towards or away?

If it starts with “stop” or “less” or “don’t,” flip it. What do you actually want more of?

3. What’s the process goal version?

What would you need to keep doing to make this sustainable? Not a one-time win. An ongoing practice.

4. What’s one thing you’ll do this week?

Specific enough that you’ll know if you did it. “Move more” doesn’t count. “20-minute walk after lunch, four days” does.

5. What needs to go first?

What will you remove, reduce, or simplify to make this actually possible?

This is the bit that makes the difference.

And it’s why most people burn out by fucking February.

The bottom line

If you’ve been “failing” at goals, it’s probably not a discipline problem.

It’s a design problem.

Your goals were flawed and setting you up for failure from the start: too vague, too negative, too outcome-focused, with no room in your actual life for them to exist.

This year I’m not trying harder. I’m setting it up differently.

Let’s see what happens.

Are you going to try this? Hit reply and tell me what you came up with!

With love,
Noemie X

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