Is Your Inner Voice a Coach or a Troll?

The science of why shame never works

Before we start, check out my ​September Rentrée series​ on Substack! Every weekday this month I’m sharing one bold, bite-sized truth to spark reflection, shift your habits, and design a life that feels good in real life. So far we’ve talked about why you don’t need fixing but designing, why most habits fail when your “why” is fuzzy, and the three invisible loops that keep us stuck on repeat (Day 3). This week we keep building! Let me know if you find it useful, or not!

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I watched something last week that REALLY pissed me off.

Fit for TV: The Reality of The Biggest Loser on Netflix.

Do you remember that awful show from the early 2000s?

The documentary is sold as a behind the scenes of the extreme weight loss show.

And it's horrific. Eight-hour workouts. Public humiliation. Contestants collapsing from dehydration whilst cameras rolled. One woman described being yelled at until she vomited, then told to keep going.

But we don't need behind the scenes. We actually watched this. I used to watch this. We called it entertainment. WTF?!

And we absorbed the message that transformation requires humiliation (and in the case of this show, definitely not on health).

And here's what really got me. As an elder millennial woman, I grew up in peak diet culture. I realised just how much I internalised the "shame-as-motivation" narrative.

That weight = moral failure. The wellness industry has been playing this game for decades (​read this piece​ or ​listen to the episode​ if you want my full rant on Toxic Wellness).

I felt this red-hot rage, but also sadness, because it hit me how much of that voice still lives inside us.

And before the guys tune out thinking this is just about weight and women!

Your version might be about being the provider, staying strong, never showing weakness. Different costume, same troll.

Because it's not just about weight (though definitely that too), it's about shame in all forms normalised as motivation. Career. Parenting. Productivity. Money. Aging. Relationships.

That constant, nasty voice saying "you're not doing enough, being enough, achieving enough."

Maybe you know that voice too?

The Shame Machine We All Grew Up In

Maybe you never watched The Biggest Loser. But I bet you absorbed the same message somewhere else.

The Biggest Loser wasn't an anomaly. It was just the loudest example of what the 90s and 2000s served us daily. Those magazine covers screaming "Celebrities Without Makeup! Shocking!" Bosses who believed fear was the best motivator.

We were taught that shame works. That criticism makes you stronger. That the harsh voice in your head is just "keeping you accountable."

Maybe your inner critic isn't about your body. Maybe it's about your LinkedIn profile. Your bank balance. How organised your house is.

Whether you're strong enough, successful enough, emotionally available enough.

Whether you meditate enough, network enough, achieve enough.

The costume changes, but the voice stays the same: "You're failing. Everyone can see it. Try harder."

That voice? It's not yours. It's the residue of decades of cultural conditioning that confused cruelty with coaching.

Your Inner Critic Is a Troll, Not a Coach

Let me be really clear about something. A coach helps you grow. They see your potential. They offer strategies, encouragement, accountability. They believe in you even when you wobble.

A troll? A troll heckles from the sidelines. Tears you down. Offers nothing constructive. Just shame, shame, and more shame.

I used to think my inner critic was keeping me sharp. Keeping me motivated. I still have to keep that bitch in check sometimes.

But when shame floods our system with cortisol, we literally can't think straight. We're more likely to give up, not less.

Treating yourself like you'd treat a good friend actually increases motivation and resilience.

It reminds me of Carol Dweck and her Growth Mindset research. People who believe they can grow their abilities recover from setbacks very differently than those who think, "this is just who I am."

The troll voice loves that fixed mindset thinking. It whispers: "You can't change. This is your limit."

And if you're thinking "but surely a bit of tough love works?", the research on weight stigma says otherwise.

Shame doesn't create change. It creates anxiety, depression, and a cycle of self-defeat.

BJ Foggs work on habits tell us that in order to change any habits, we need to feel positive emotions, we need to feel good about ourselves.

Yet most of us are walking around with an inner troll we've mistaken for a coach.

So if the troll isn't helping... how do we coach ourselves differently?

Replacing the Troll with a Real Coach Voice

My inner bitch is loud. She's mean. And for years, I thought she was keeping me sharp.

Strategy 1: Call Out the Bitch

First, externalise that voice. When you hear "I'll only be worthy when I finally..." or "Everyone's judging me" or "Why can't you just be more disciplined?" - that's your inner bitch talking.

Brené Brown nailed it: she speaks in absolutes. Always. Never. She attacks who you are ("I'm disgusting") rather than what you did ("I ate a big lunch").

Then try the Best Friend Test. Would you ever tell your best friend she's pathetic? That he's a failure? Of course not. You'd be appalled if anyone spoke to them that way.

So why do we think it's acceptable when we do it to ourselves?

When the bitch pipes up, reframe with curiosity. Instead of "I'm so lazy," try "I'm exhausted. What does my body actually need right now?" The coach voice asks "What could we try instead?" not "Why are you such a failure?"

Strategy 2: The Reality Check

Kristin Neff's research offers a brilliant three-step practice that I use constantly:

1. Notice the suffering: "This is really hard right now."

2. Remember you're human: "Everyone struggles with this."

3. Offer yourself kindness: "May I be gentle with myself."

Then add an evidence check. What would you tell yourself from five years ago? What growth are you not acknowledging?

Here's something else: your body often knows what you need before your brain does. When the troll gets loud, drop into your body. What's it telling you? Usually it's something simple and kind: rest, water, fresh air, a hug, a proper meal.

There's actually neuroscience behind this. Dan Siegel's work shows that self-criticism shuts down the learning centres of our brain. But self-compassion? It releases oxytocin and keeps our thinking brain online. The troll voice makes you stupider. The coach voice makes you smarter.

Strategy 3: The Good Enough Revolution

Start practising "good enough" with small things. The email that's good enough to send. The workout that's good enough for today. The parenting moment that's good enough even if it won't make the Instagram highlights reel.

When making decisions, ask: "What do I actually value here?" Choose the path that honours your real values, not some arbitrary standard you absorbed twenty years ago.

Get curious instead of combative: "Oh interesting, my brain's doing that thing again. Wonder what triggered it?" Creates distance without resistance.

Your Experiment This Week

Pick one strategy that resonates. Just one. When your troll voice shows up this week (and it will), try your chosen approach. Notice what shifts.

Because here's what I know after watching that documentary and sitting with my own memories of peak shame culture: transformation doesn't come from humiliation. Never has. Never will.

It comes from connection. Compassion. Curiosity about what we actually need to thrive.

Whatever your troll voice is about (your body, your bank account, your parenting, your career, your relationships, your age) it's not a coach. It's a leftover troll from a culture that confused cruelty with care.

You don't have to keep listening to it.

Here's what I'd love: Hit reply to this email and share the one line your inner troll loves most. Just one sentence. Sometimes saying it out loud to another person completely breaks its spell.

I read every single reply, and knowing we're all fighting similar trolls makes us all feel less alone.

With love,
Noemie x

P.S. If this resonated, forward it to someone who might need to fire their inner troll too. We all deserve better coaches than the ones shame culture gave us.

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🎧 Listen: ​Fire Your Inner Troll: Why Shame Never Works​

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