Still Thinking About It? That's The Problem

Wanting to change ≠ being ready to change

I spent two years wanting to stop drinking before I actually stopped drinking.

Two years of “I really need to cut back”.

Two years of promising myself I’d have a dry month, then quietly giving up by day 4.

Two years of waking up feeling like shit and swearing this time, for real, it was the last time. But then doing it again the following weekend.

I genuinely wanted to change.

But wanting to change and being ready to change are not the same thing.

And nobody ever told me that.

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The model that changed everything for me

When I was training to be a health coach, I came across a framework that genuinely changed how I understand myself.

It’s called the Stages of Change Model, developed by researchers Prochaska and DiClemente.

They studied how people actually transform their lives. Not how the ‘wellness’ industry wishes we did. How we actually do.

And here’s what they found:

Change isn’t a switch you flip. It’s a process you move through. And most people have no idea where they actually are in that process.

Which also means that most people are using the wrong approach for where they’re at.

The 6 stages (and where you probably actually are)

1. Pre-contemplation. “I don’t need to change”. Here you’re not even thinking about it. Maybe other people have a problem with your habit. You don’t.

2. Contemplation. “I might change”. You’re thinking about it, but you’re stuck. Weighing pros and cons. Going back and forth. This is where I lived for 2 years with alcohol. Knowing something wasn’t working but not quite ready to do anything about it.

3. Preparation. "I will change. Soon." You've decided. You've set a date. You've bought the membership. Downloaded the app. Told your friends. You're putting the pieces in place.

4. Action. “I am changing”. Yay, you’re actually doing the thing! Showing up. Making it happen.

5. Maintenance. “I have changed”. You now have a few months of sustained behaviour under your belt. The habit is part of your life now.

6. Termination. “I am changed”. The old behaviour isn’t even a temptation anymore. You’ve assumed a new identity.

Why I was stuck for so long

Here’s what hit me hardest: I thought I was in Action for two years. I was actually in Contemplation.

My Planner Brain was setting goals. Dry January! Sober October!

But my Actual Self, the one who had to execute those goals when I was stressed or lonely or bored? She was NOT ready. She was still weighing up whether change was even worth it.

I kept designing plans for someone in Action. But I was someone in Contemplation. No wonder nothing worked.

The stat that should make you feel better

This is so wild. 80% of people who try to change a behaviour will relapse at least once.

That’s not a failure rate. That’s just the rate.

That’s what change actually looks like for most humans.

And yet every time we fall off, we act like something went catastrophically wrong.

Like we’re uniquely terrible at this.

Like everyone else gets it right on the first attempt and we’re the only ones who can’t stick to anything.

Spoiler: they don’t. And you’re not.

What to actually do about it

Here’s why this matters right now:

The approach that works depends entirely on where you actually are.

If you’re in Contemplation (still weighing things up, going back and forth), you don’t need another action plan, my friend.

You need to get honest about what’s really holding you back.

Here’s what that actually looks like: grab a piece of paper and draw a line down the middle. On one side, write “What I’d gain if I changed.” On the other, “What I’d lose.” And be brutally honest about that second column. Because there’s always something.

For me with alcohol, the “lose” column was long. I’d lose my stress relief. My reward at the end of a hard day. The version of me who was fun at parties (until I was so wasted I was absolutely NOT).

I didn’t want to admit any of that. But until I did, I couldn’t actually move forward.

That ambivalence you keep feeling? It’s not a character flaw. It’s trying to tell you something. And until you actually listen to it, you’ll keep starting and stopping forever.

If you’re in Preparation (decided but postponing), you don’t need more research. More courses. More “getting ready.”

You need to stop planning and start a tiny experiment. Today. Not next Monday. What’s the smallest possible version of this habit that you could do in the next 24 hours?

If you’re in Action but keep slipping, you’re not failing. You’re doing exactly what the research says happens.

The question isn’t “why can’t I stay consistent?”, it’s “how do I recover faster next time?”

What would a 24-hour quick recovery look like instead of a 2-3 week spiral?

If you’re maintaining, don’t get complacent. What’s the thing most likely to knock you off course in the next month? Design for it now, while you’re steady.

Your tiny experiment this week

Pick a habit you’ve been “trying” to build. Then try this:

1. Rate your readiness to actually change it right now: 1-10.

Be honest. Not where you think you should be. Where you actually are.

2. Now ask yourself: why didn’t I say a lower number?

This is the question that changes everything.

If you said 4, why not 3? If you said 6, why not 5?

When you answer this, you have to articulate the part of you that DOES want to change. You hear yourself making the case for your own readiness. That’s where the real reflection happens.

3. What would need to be true for you to be one number higher?

Not a 10. Just one number up. What would move you from a 4 to a 5? From a 6 to a 7?

That answer? That’s your next step. Not the whole plan. Just the next step.

The bottom line

When I finally stopped drinking, it wasn’t because I found more willpower. It wasn’t because I tried harder.

It was because I finally admitted I’d been stuck in Contemplation for two years. And instead of forcing myself into Action, I did the work to actually move through Preparation first. Properly. Honestly. With support.

The wellness industry wants you to believe change is all about motivation.

Find your why! Get inspired! Feel the feels!

Bullshit.

Change is about matching your approach to your actual stage.

Not the stage you wish you were at. Not the stage your Fantasy Self lives in. The one you’re actually in, right now, with your real life and your real constraints.

Which stage are you in?

With love,
Noemie x

P.S. If you’ve been cycling through these stages for months (or years), you’re not alone. That’s literally what the research shows happens. Most people don’t move through in a straight line. They loop back. They revisit. They spiral. The question isn’t whether you’ll loop. It’s whether you have the tools to keep moving forward when you do.

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